I think this post will be a deep one.. I feel it… So this is a cute picture of me and my toys to belie the cheamness of this post. HAHAHA as if I need a reason to post a cute picture of myself on my blog… ^^ – more cute emoticons /( ‘ . ‘) i’m quite good at this huh!
So when I was reflecting I initially thought that what I learnt was to be less in control. That all along I’ve been too in control and when things don’t go according to plan I get crushed. But that’s not the case. The case in point (tee hee so lawyerly must be influenced from reading Jie jie’s notes) is that I don’t know how to strike that elusive balance in a christian life. Being in love with God and yet also loving the world. Mission imPOSSIBLE. yeah right. (Sorry can’t help but be sarcastic at this pt in time)
So i’ve been meaning to write a poem on how my coping mechanism’s been. It’s more like reblog, I think I wrote that poem some time back and it’s shelved in the annals in one of my now defunct blogs. But I will spare you the cheesy poem (alright I know you guys do love my poems right? right? :P) The poem talks about a clam. Need no explanation. HAHAHA. Ya so natural mechanism, people. When hurt, I just clam up and keep things to myself… Avoid people… Don’t let people in so I don’t get hurt, simple!
I’ve been literally crying every week for 2 months (maybe even longer now) and I avoid talking about it so I don’t cry. It’s getting to a point I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And sick of being so damn weak. But it’s ironic, I don’t want to be strong.
So yes I’ve kinda drifted away from topic but you’ll see it all links up. The thing is, it’s so difficult to strike that balance. When I think I got it, but I didnt, and since I didn’t, why did I bother? GOSH I know it’s stupid, but I gave up trying. But you know what, God never lets his stupid kids go. Teehee. Thank you God for loving me. ^^
So the song, the song, old song, I heard today. “Heart of Worship” rings true.
I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
All about You, Jesus
I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You
It’s all about You Jesus
At the end of the day, I need to realise and accept that it’s not going to be about me. Typed some really super cheesy lines but decided to delete them instead, I’m shy. Hahahaha.
So yes. I am still learning. Being 20 is amazing, no longer a teen, not yet an adult. Lost in between. The world of teenage lust and desires being held back (maybe not sometimes) by a growing rationalism. I disapprove of how I’ve been. It was me totally trying (LOL) to be rebellious and kick my shoes in the air and shout “I don’t care, eh eh eh eh eh” to the tune of korean pop girl-band 2NE1’s hit.
I’m still trying to complete Phillip Pullman’s “His Dark Materials”. Yes, he’s an atheist and his work is supposedly anti-christ but I read for leisure like I did with J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series and Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series. Gosh, there’s obviously an appeal with the occult huh? Hahaha. I really do recommend Pullman’s work. It’s really a literary work of art. The worlds, the characters, the words are beautifully crafted. What I love most is in a particular more medieval like world which the heroine, a young girl Lyra comes from, his creation of “daemon” a little spirit animal that follows the people upon birth. Before the child matures to an adult, the daemon constantly evolves and changes, it could be as timid as a mouse, or loyal as a dog or bold as an eagle. But when the child reaches maturity then his daemon no longer changes but is fixed at the child’s most defining character so to speak. So a guardman’s daemon is a dog and a crafty woman’s daemon’s a monkey.
And often while reading I feel so much admiration for Pullman’s keen observation of mankind and due to how much I relate to it. It’s exactly frustrating for me cause right now, I’m experiencing so much changes, if humans had daemon, mine would be distorted, contorted right now. And I know, this is a phase, one day which again, I think will be soon, 1-3 years time, my character and personality will (I hope, fingers crossed) be more stable and I won’t feel so vexed like I am and at lost. And while I am at it, I really really want to make sure I give in my best effort to be the best I can be, before I get stuck into the personality/character for my adulthood.
Hahaha it’s really been a long post huh! Alright time to sleep, ciaos! 😉 Hope you enjoyed the long read. Heehee.