9 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Be The Third Party in a Relationship

Hi loves!

I’ve been wanting to write my personal thoughts on life down on my blog but wells, laziness often gets the better of me and I try to post up my review posts first when I have the time.

Anyways, this is one of the topics that I’ve been wanting to share about and well, it’s kind of a spur of the moment and late night inspired / musings post.

And I’ve kind of waited till 2015 to publish such posts cause I feel like at 24 going 25, I’m coming of age. Just 5 more years to 30, gasps. And yeah it might sound ridiculous that I’m coming of age at 24+ when like I have friends who are already mother of 2. Lol. I’ve lived a fairly sheltered life I admit. So I guess, depending on my mood, I may be releasing more of such posts this year!

I hate to admit, even though I’ve never officially dated or had a boyfriend, I’ve experienced my fair share of players- “friends” whom I was acquainted and later realized that they were attached. There was this one guy whom I went out for meals when I was 18, found out he had a girlfriend and so I promptly told him that “I would be so sad if I were your girlfriend, stop contacting me.” I naively thought then that maybe guys play while they can before marriage until one married guy friend who crossed the friendly line and would send me “good morning” & “good night” texts and when I told him to stop he still asked me why. And perhaps the worst is another guy who asked me out for dinner when I later realize that he has 3 kids at home. And he did not wear his ring whenever I saw him at events and still behaves like a bachelor on his FB page and instagram. Why on earth his wife would let him behave like this, I have no clue.

In the past I was way less forgiving – I would immediately cut such people out my life and after “attracting” 2 guys who had girlfriends, i even felt sad and for a while thought that maybe the problem lies with me – was I too bubbly and friendly past a limit?

But then, thank God, I grew older and more mature and I learnt to put such immature and cheating boys (they don’t count as men, do they?) in their place. Me being friendly doesn’t mean I am open to being a third party and cheating with you on your gf/ wife, please for goodness sake.

On hindsight, these people may think that because I have a friendly and nice personality, I may be an easy target (read: desperate idiot) to be persuaded to go on dates after I find out their non-single status. So I did became more conscious of my friendliness to guys in general – I won’t be my normal friendly self to people I know who are attached or married, in case they think I am sending them a signal, when I am not.

When I told my best friend about the married guy who wouldn’t stop sending me messages despite me telling him to stop – we both agreed that the wife is lucky that I am someone with integrity. Unfortunately even tho I may still treat that married guy as a friend, I doubt that he will stop his cheating ways. Cheating is a subjective word, some people may think that cheating is only cheating when it’s physical. Others think that even an errant thought or flirting texts = cheating. I define cheating as being un loyal – that you are no longer solely devoted to your partner and are actively romantically engaged with someone else, whether emotionally or physically.

I am not condemning people who decide to be involved in a relationship as a third party (hate the sin, love the sinner), I guess I just don’t want to be judgmental – I always abide by my rule that your life is yours, you can live how you deem fit, and so will I.

So I guess I am sharing this post because when I realize that I was “attracting” attached guys I felt guilty and I couldn’t find a forum or resource that could direct me or give me proper advice. And that’s exactly what I want to achieve with this post. I realized, while growing up & older that actually cheating people exist everywhere and it’s not your fault when they cheat, but you do need to put your foot down, draw the line and say / type firmly “NO”. This is for my younger self who wished that there was someone older and wiser who could give me advice. This is for all of you who are seeking for this advice right now.

That’s a super long introduction, and now I come to the main point of this post – Why you shouldn’t be the third party in a relationship.

In no order of merit:

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1. It won’t end well.
A relationship is often likened to a tree that will grow strong, take root and spread its branches. When two people get together, naturally they will think of marriage, buying a house and having kids to form a family. But when you’re a third party – essentially you’re throwing the original couple’s plans in disarray. Think about it, the gf/wife when she finds out, is going to definitely hate you. Whether or not she hates her bf/husband. This is because you ruined their relationship by accepting to be the third party. A breakup is almost always messy, much less a divorce.

2. The guy is likely to cheat on you, too.
If the guy can cheat on his gf/wife with you, what makes you think that he won’t cheat on you with someone else?

3. You are probably not his only “back up”.
I realize that cheating guys usually cheat on their gf/ wife with more than one girl. I reckon that they think that since they are already cheating, it doesn’t really matter if it’s with one, two, three or four girls.

4. You will have the reputation of being the slut / home wrecker.
If you decide to be the third party, while in full knowledge that the guy is attached, basically you’re consciously just throwing your reputation down the drain. Usually the first thing people will remember about you is how you shamelessly agree to be the third party. Everyone will agree that the cheating guy is a bastard but if you accept a relationship with the bastard, knowing he is behaving as one, then you have no defence and is putting women around the world to shame for behaving this way.

5. You deserve a better guy.
Seriously. Maybe women who accepts the role of the third party do so because they are afraid that they can’t find a better guy. I’m telling you right now that your value and worth is not based on some jerk’s affection for you. If you believe in Christ – your value and worth is based on your identity in Christ as a precious child of God. If you don’t believe in Christ – your value and worth exists because your parents bore and raised you – definitely not for you to be the third party. And if you have sucky parents, your value and worth comes from within – from how YOU define it, not how others perceive you to be, ok? Go tell that guy to fly a kite because you deserve someone better than him, someone who can devote his entire heart to you and not have to share it with Nth number of girls.

6. Your relationship can’t see the light of day.
He probably deletes every message / whatsapp after you send them incase his gf sees it. He probably dates you to neighborhood coffee shops where no one will see the both of you hanging out. You want to go out to Orchard to shop and watch a movie, visit Gardens by the Bay but he is probably too cowardly and scared that people might recognize him with you and find out about his cheating. A healthy relationship is one where there is no hiding, you don’t have to nor should you be afraid of people seeing you two together. If the guy is afraid to bring you out to crowded places – with the exception that he is some super hot star – do yourself a favour, drop him like a hotcake, please.

7. You won’t be his one devotion.
You already know he has a gf/wife and chances are, you are second place. I hope you won’t fall for the “I am with her but my heart is with you”. Thank God no one ever used that on me, but I took that from watching too many dramas – dramas are inspired from reality after all. Imagine every Valentines, Christmas & New Year’s – you are receiving the second phone call / text / hug. Go ahead and sob, I see tears welling in your eyes.

8. You will cheapen yourself.
Humans will only treasure what they fought hard to get. When you fall into the third party place, the guy is unlikely to treat you like a hard earned precious pearl since he ain’t going to give you the full treatment that’s reserved for his main gf/wife – wedding banquet and all. Imagine that, just imagine that.

9. If he meant to break up with his gf/wife, he would have done so already.
If he claims that he will break up when “the time is right”, please don’t be so naive. He will not break up. He is leading you on and you will be the fool if you follow him.

What should you do?

1. Tell him to stop contacting you or stop flirting with you because you respect him, his gf / wife.
2. Move on in life – surround yourself with trustworthy friends of both sexes who will introduce you friends who are trustworthy too.
3. Don’t feel guilty about his lecherous feelings for you.
4. Send him this post and just in case he still doesn’t get the message, say it in Iggy freestyle: “F is for friends and stuff and U is for you and me” – I realize this tho is funny and irreverent, it can be quite misleading. So you can quote me: “I am not a hard disk – I am not your back up. You can go to Challenger to find yourself one if you’re so keen.” 😉
5. Just be direct and ask “Are you single or attached?” before you agree to go on dates in future. If he says attached and still asking you out – tell him to bring his gf/wife along and basically don’t waste your time on him any longer.

Good luck!

x
Ena

29 thoughts on “9 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Be The Third Party in a Relationship”

  1. Kudos to you for doing the right thing, babe! I dont think you should feel guilty at all. Since I am of a few months older than you, I would like to let you know that I know what you went through and by no means are you at wrong.

    You did the right thing by making it clear to these guys that all they can ever achieve out from being with you is your friendship. Sure, you will question yourself~ but I would like to remind you that there are literally at least a billion of guys out there… there are still the good ones out there.

    I’m going to stop myself before I start an essay~

    1. Hahaha hi Jody!! Thanks for coming by and leaving your sincere comments. ☺️ I know… I out grew those feelings of guilt… Knowing I have done the right thing.

  2. What can u say about my situation slept with my co worker. He have gf also our co worker. I have known this guy for how many years already, very approachable and I’ve been comfortable around him as older sister. He is 27 and i am 39. He message me just less than a month ago, and I was shock he was flirting with me and he did not also expect that he will flirt with me. He even went to the office earlier than his shift just to catch me and I did not show up(A day before Christmas). Then after a week, new years day, he fetch me near our house to go out for a coffee but end up in a hotel room. And thats the first day we slept together. And then it happened again after 2 weeks. What is written on top is really true, it happened to me. I want to stop but I cannot do it for now. So I decided to take a risk dispite of what will happen to me after. Now he resigned and have a new company, he took my resume because he want me to apply in his new company. I do not know what will happen next. It is not that so painful. Maybe jealous a little but manageable. I am not sure with my feelings but still I go on. And it bothers me. I dont know exactly what happen to me. It is against all odds. My friends tell me to stop. But I decided to go on, coz if I will be sad today if I stop, then why not enjoy and go with the flow first and suffer later. At least I try. This is a sad story but I really did this and will proceed.

    1. Hi Amber,

      Thanks for coming by my blog and leaving your heartfelt story and comment. Like your friends, I would encourage you to stop the relationship you are having with the attached man – it will do you and him no good in the long run. On the bright side, both of you are well aware of your actions and what it entails by entering into the relationship. Since it has happened, I would suggest you not to be involved too long / stop as soon as you can – as it would jeopardize your personal future and relationship with your partner down the road. It is best to reserve your emotions and energy for someone who can love you and appreciate you wholly, without having to divide his attention with someone else. Respect yourself and your time – don’t settle if you know the man and the relationship will lead to nowhere. Sending my love and wishing you the best, Ena.

  3. what can i do if i was already being the third person for not only once. I did it for several times with different guy. I just can’t deny them i mean when they ask me to meet them i just can’t deny it even when i already promise myself not to fall for him over again and to always think that he already had a girlfriend and i’m just his side chick. I just think that this won’t stop, help me, what should i do?:(

  4. Sadly not everyone reasons like this. Found out tonight that my 9 years 9 months and 5 day long relationshhip ended 10 days ago because there is a woman out there that thought and still thinks its okay to console my boyfriend before during and after our breakup. How do people do this knowingly? Yes we had our problems but man oh man did she have to? This should be an unspoken rule. I honestly thought there was still hope to work things out but this changed everything.

    1. Hi L, Sorry to hear about your experience and story. Know that when one door closes, another opens. Hope springs eternal. Don’t let others or the world dim the fire and light within you. Let time heal your heart and learn to love again. There will be a better man out there for you! x

  5. I’ve met this guy online and eventually months after, he became my boyfriend. And then I found out he already has 3 kids but not married to the mother of the kids. I even checked the birth certificates of the kids which were saved in his phone and he’s really not married. He admitted it too. But sometimes I feel like I’m doing something wrong. The kids are with the mother, and he’s renting an apartment which the mother of the kids didn’t know where. He always tells me he loves me and he shows it to me as well. I love him too though at first I was really not sure if this will work but day by day I just love him more. And it’s very hard to decide if I should just let go so he can go back to his family but he always tells me he’s never going to leave me because he loves me too. But what pains me is when I secretly know that the girl is still communicating with him, of course they have kids, asking for financial support but there was one time he met with the mother and the kids and he didn’t inform me. He said he fell asleep that’s why he was not able to answer my calls and then I found out that they were together because the girl sent him the pictures through email. I did not ask him about that yet, because he always have the right to see his kids. And he always tells me that he’s no more interested to go back to his ex as he says, it’s just that he just wanted to see his kids. We’re turning 7mos already and I’m just confused if I should stay or just let go. But I love him so much. He even tells me to live with him. I don’t know what to decide now.

    1. Dear Joyce, thank you for coming by my blog and sharing your personal story. Very strictly and technically speaking, you did not do anything wrong since he is not married to the mother of his 3 kids – however if he is still in an ongoing/current emotional and sexual relationship with the woman then he is cheating on her with you, which makes you and unknowing third party. To solve your headache and misery – clarify with him that his relationship with the mother of this children is no longer ongoing – if it is still ongoing, break up with him. You deserve a man who has your full attention, not one who is sleeping with another family. Going forward, if you want to pursue a marriage and family with him, he can’t be going back and forth between the two unless you are willing to accept it. Also, if he didn’t marry the woman with whom he has had 3 children with, is a very big warning signal – is he afraid of commitment? Will he string you along and not marry you after another 3 kids and 10 years? Set for yourself want you want in a man and your future family, if he doesn’t fit in your vision, let him go and be ready to accept another man who will be a better match for you. Good luck and God bless. X

  6. I just happened to chance upon your post. And you penned down what I felt the most.

    There was a time when I qn myself if something was wrong with me that married men are always approaching me. Yet, I’m still single because I can’t seem to attract normal, decent guys. I went around asking my friends if something was wrong with me too. But I eventually realised that it wasn’t me, but those married men. I’m only one of the few girls they chase, they’re just trying their luck. Same here, I distant myself from attached men now.

    I wouldn’t say I hate them too (although I think what they’re doing is wrong). Because everyone gets to choose what they want to do with their life. They do, however, have to bear the consequences of their misdoings (like say, if their wives find out about their inappropriate behaviour someday).

    I got accused of breaking someone’s family up, despite of the fact that I rejected the guy’s advances. This is because the wife heard about us, and he decided to push the blame to me. Which I felt was utterly unfair towards me, because I’m the victim. If he wanted to cheat, he should jolly well shoulder the consequences as well.

    I’m sorry for the lengthy reply but I can find alot of connections between what you wrote and me

    1. Hi Stlt,

      Thanks for coming by and leaving your comments, I’m glad you could relate and I’m sorry that you were accused of something you didn’t do / intend on doing. I hope you’ve left this part of your past behind, like I did. A happier place is before you! There are lots of good guys, someone for you is out there. <3

  7. Im a male, a 3rd in a marriage. I wanted to stop but i know myself that i might start to miss her and will eventually ended up texting her back even if she agreed not to msg me anymore. I would like to read your opinion on this. Shouldnt be too far apart even though i am not a female to relate in your situation.

    1. Hi Jeff,

      Thanks for coming by and leaving your comment. Indeed I think that whatever I have shared in the post is relevant even for a male – if your girlfriend is married – there is just no future prospect unless she divorces. Which unless is something both you and her are ok with, then is it worth pursuing a relationship with no end or a dead end in sight? I believe that life is not just about living for the moment, but we should also live with the future in mind. The future you deserve is a happy family. Make up your mind, and tell your heart to make the right decision. All the best!

  8. your post makes me think that i’m a moron for being the third party. i’m so in love with him and he always tell that he loves me, and treat me just right and make my heart flutter with his actions. i can’t deny that i love him so bad. but it hurts me every time i see her gf chat on his phone or whenever i see her gf pic on social media. but i don’t know how to end it, is it too late to stop it? it hurts way too much, i’ve been crying every single day. please help :'(

    1. Hi Kimberly Swan,

      First of all, I won’t say that you’re a moron for being the third party. We all make mistakes in life, whether knowingly or unknowingly. I’m not sure if you entered in the relationship knowing that you’re the third party but by now, you do know. And like you said, it hurts you because he doesn’t place you as his first priority. It’s never to late for anything. All you have to do is to make the decision in your heart and mind first and then take actions to align with your decision. You deserve someone better. Just because he is a great guy doesn’t mean you can’t find someone even better. Ask, believe and you shall receive. God will send you a guy who is better and will love you as his one and only. Have faith! <3

  9. Hi! I’m Pao (Male), I have read your post and I thought i could relate to your post. I am currently inlove and into a relationship with a woman whom has a child (2yrs old) and she still communicates with the father of the child and that makes me wonder if she still loves him and that I’m just a 2nd option, They used to live together but she left and moved back to her house after we met. I always get the feeling that shes hiding something from me maybe because I think she doesnt want to break the bond between her and the father of her child and whats worse the father of the child doesnt know a thing about me because she deletes all my text messages in her inbox whenever they meet. Am I a third party? Should I stay? I really do love her but I don’t think I deserve this kind of relationship and Im already having second thought about this what should I do?

    Thank you.

    1. Hi Pao,

      Thanks for sharing your story. If you read my post and can relate, then yes the person/woman you are dating is treating you as a 2nd option.

      I can’t say for sure if you’re a third party – if she has broken up with the father of the child (seems like its a boyfriend since you didn’t mention husband) then that makes you her current boyfriend. I don’t know why she deletes all the text messages in her inbox – this is definitely fishy. Maybe the father of her child will look through her phone and threaten her? Maybe she is dating someone else (not the father of the child) and she doesn’t want him to know? Whatever the reason may be, it is best to ask her directly if you want to know for sure.

      A relationship should be based in truth and trust. The man should take the lead and charge – be upfront with this woman that you love her but you will not accept any dishonesty or lack of honesty – she should be able to feel comfortable in telling you the truth and not hide anything that might hurt you. If she is able to tell you truthfully what is happening after you confronting her, then you can consider continuing the relationship. If she is still behaving in the same manner after discussing with her, then you should break up cleanly and move on. There are tons of other women out there, worthy of a healthy, proper relationship with you. All the best!

  10. Hi my name is Grace. I am a mother of one but not a wife-we are not yet married even if we are living for 8 years now. But our relationship were not healthy as before. It changed a lot when we had our kid. His vices made me realize that he was not actually worthy of my care and love. Though I know this before we were toghether that he has this bad vices except girls but still I tried to be with him with the hopes that he will change if we will have a kid but I was wrong. To cut the story short, last 2015 I broke up with him. I lived with my parents but still we communicate with each other for our child. But then one day came that he told me that he will change himself fof the better. Stop his vices and find a jod to support our family. And I just said yes to him so we lived together again. But now, I just knew that by the time we were not together/ or during our break up, he met a girl and what hurts me a lot is that I just knew that he brought the girl to our house which we used to live before we break up. I confronted him and he admit it. But he explaines that he did not tell me because he was afraid that I would not accept him again. I know that we were not together at that time when he cheated with another girl but everytime I see him, it’s killing me.

    Now we don’t talk with each other and I want to break up with him again.. please any suggestions.

    Thank you!

    1. Hi Grace,

      Thanks for sharing your story. If I understand correctly, you are now living together with the father of your child and you just learned that he was seeing someone else during the time you had broken up, now you’re not talking with him and want to break up with him.

      As you have rightly mentioned, even though it hurts you to know that he brought another girl home, it was not wrong of him because you had broke up with him that time. However if he is still seeing that girl then it would be a valid reason to break up now.

      Your situation is quite complicated and since you are asking me for any suggestions, this is what I would do if I were you:
      I would like to highlight that I would not have recommended you to bear any man a child without marriage. However since you have already bore a son and we can’t return back to time, then going forward, I would recommend this:
      1. Move back to your parents’ place and make it clear that you would not move back in again until he is ready for marriage. This means you have to be very firm, yes there will be lonely nights but if you want a better life ahead, with or without this guy, this is what you have to do. Why I say this is – why should a man enjoy all the perks of a marriage life without marrying the girl? You put yourself in a very disadvantage situation if you move in with a man without marriage.

      If the father of your kid makes the effort to woo you again and wants to marry you – then you can proceed starting a relationship anew.

      2. If the guy is seeing another woman, or if you want him to change, or if you have made up your mind that he has hurt you too much to ever continue a relationship now or in the future – then I suggest you to initiate the break up, do it cleanly and don’t hold anything back.
      3. Focus on building yourself up – whether it’s your own career, your family, your group of friends, your hobbies, your kid – anything, focus on YOU.
      4. Dress up, make time to go out and meet new people. I encourage you to slowly take time to meet new people – ask your friends to recommend good people to you.
      5. Find someone who will treat you and your kid well.

      It is better to be happy alone then to be miserable in relationship. It’s a lot easier said then done to find someone who will appreciate and treasure you for who you are – but if you focus on all the good things in your life and you live life earnestly, people will find you attractive and that will increase the chances of finding that person. I wish you all the best!

  11. Thank you so much for all the suggestions. Now I realized that there is no holding back. I am done and it’s time for me to give worth on myself which I forgot for a long time.

    I owe you a lot!

    All the best for you!

  12. I’ve been with my bf for 4yrs, but now I think that I’m falling out of love for him. Now I met this guy a month ago, and I feel so comfortable when we’re together. We starded as friends on social media, I know that he also had gf and they’ve been together for 3 yrs. I feel that we’re both having the same feeling towards our partners and just need to escape from reality for a little while. I don’t know him well but He treated me just right that makes my heart flattered. I think I’m falling for him, I love being with him. We met secretly, and have intimate touching in his car twice and I love it, But I also feel guilt.I was so confused about my feelings.

    1. Hi Shi fu, sorry for the belated reply, I haven’t been active on my blog for the past few months, have missed your comment and just saw your comment. I hear you, and understandably you are confused because you still have feelings for your boyfriend, finding new and exciting feelings for your new friend and you’re uncertain about your current and potential new relationship. I just want you to know that you’re completely in control over your actions and feelings. My advice is for you to decide which relationship you want going forward. If you want to keep your relationship with your bf for 4 years, then stop the fling with this new guy. Every single relationship needs to be maintained, you and your bf both have to make it work by investing time and energy in it. If you feel the relationship you have now is a dead end, then I suggest you have a talk with your bf and end things completely. Then you go and tell your new friend to end things with his gf if he wants to start something new with you. You can’t continue to juggle both relationships because you will highly likely burn yourself up that way and lose both relationships. I hope this helps. Good luck and God bless. X

  13. Hi

    I need help. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I really agree on this article but I cannot make the right actions. Can i send you an email as I am not comfortable sharing my problem on a blog?

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