I’ve been wanting to write my personal thoughts on life down on my blog but wells, laziness often gets the better of me and I try to post up my review posts first when I have the time.
Anyways, this is one of the topics that I’ve been wanting to share about and well, it’s kind of a spur of the moment and late night inspired / musings post.
And I’ve kind of waited till 2015 to publish such posts cause I feel like at 24 going 25, I’m coming of age. Just 5 more years to 30, gasps. And yeah it might sound ridiculous that I’m coming of age at 24+ when like I have friends who are already mother of 2. Lol. I’ve lived a fairly sheltered life I admit. So I guess, depending on my mood, I may be releasing more of such posts this year!
I hate to admit, even though I’ve never officially dated or had a boyfriend, I’ve experienced my fair share of players- “friends” whom I was acquainted and later realized that they were attached. There was this one guy whom I went out for meals when I was 18, found out he had a girlfriend and so I promptly told him that “I would be so sad if I were your girlfriend, stop contacting me.” I naively thought then that maybe guys play while they can before marriage until one married guy friend who crossed the friendly line and would send me “good morning” & “good night” texts and when I told him to stop he still asked me why. And perhaps the worst is another guy who asked me out for dinner when I later realize that he has 3 kids at home. And he did not wear his ring whenever I saw him at events and still behaves like a bachelor on his FB page and instagram. Why on earth his wife would let him behave like this, I have no clue.
In the past I was way less forgiving – I would immediately cut such people out my life and after “attracting” 2 guys who had girlfriends, i even felt sad and for a while thought that maybe the problem lies with me – was I too bubbly and friendly past a limit?
But then, thank God, I grew older and more mature and I learnt to put such immature and cheating boys (they don’t count as men, do they?) in their place. Me being friendly doesn’t mean I am open to being a third party and cheating with you on your gf/ wife, please for goodness sake.
On hindsight, these people may think that because I have a friendly and nice personality, I may be an easy target (read: desperate idiot) to be persuaded to go on dates after I find out their non-single status. So I did became more conscious of my friendliness to guys in general – I won’t be my normal friendly self to people I know who are attached or married, in case they think I am sending them a signal, when I am not.
When I told my best friend about the married guy who wouldn’t stop sending me messages despite me telling him to stop – we both agreed that the wife is lucky that I am someone with integrity. Unfortunately even tho I may still treat that married guy as a friend, I doubt that he will stop his cheating ways. Cheating is a subjective word, some people may think that cheating is only cheating when it’s physical. Others think that even an errant thought or flirting texts = cheating. I define cheating as being un loyal – that you are no longer solely devoted to your partner and are actively romantically engaged with someone else, whether emotionally or physically.
I am not condemning people who decide to be involved in a relationship as a third party (hate the sin, love the sinner), I guess I just don’t want to be judgmental – I always abide by my rule that your life is yours, you can live how you deem fit, and so will I.
So I guess I am sharing this post because when I realize that I was “attracting” attached guys I felt guilty and I couldn’t find a forum or resource that could direct me or give me proper advice. And that’s exactly what I want to achieve with this post. I realized, while growing up & older that actually cheating people exist everywhere and it’s not your fault when they cheat, but you do need to put your foot down, draw the line and say / type firmly “NO”. This is for my younger self who wished that there was someone older and wiser who could give me advice. This is for all of you who are seeking for this advice right now.
That’s a super long introduction, and now I come to the main point of this post – Why you shouldn’t be the third party in a relationship.
In no order of merit:
1. It won’t end well.
A relationship is often likened to a tree that will grow strong, take root and spread its branches. When two people get together, naturally they will think of marriage, buying a house and having kids to form a family. But when you’re a third party – essentially you’re throwing the original couple’s plans in disarray. Think about it, the gf/wife when she finds out, is going to definitely hate you. Whether or not she hates her bf/husband. This is because you ruined their relationship by accepting to be the third party. A breakup is almost always messy, much less a divorce.
2. The guy is likely to cheat on you, too.
If the guy can cheat on his gf/wife with you, what makes you think that he won’t cheat on you with someone else?
3. You are probably not his only “back up”.
I realize that cheating guys usually cheat on their gf/ wife with more than one girl. I reckon that they think that since they are already cheating, it doesn’t really matter if it’s with one, two, three or four girls.
4. You will have the reputation of being the slut / home wrecker.
If you decide to be the third party, while in full knowledge that the guy is attached, basically you’re consciously just throwing your reputation down the drain. Usually the first thing people will remember about you is how you shamelessly agree to be the third party. Everyone will agree that the cheating guy is a bastard but if you accept a relationship with the bastard, knowing he is behaving as one, then you have no defence and is putting women around the world to shame for behaving this way.
5. You deserve a better guy.
Seriously. Maybe women who accepts the role of the third party do so because they are afraid that they can’t find a better guy. I’m telling you right now that your value and worth is not based on some jerk’s affection for you. If you believe in Christ – your value and worth is based on your identity in Christ as a precious child of God. If you don’t believe in Christ – your value and worth exists because your parents bore and raised you – definitely not for you to be the third party. And if you have sucky parents, your value and worth comes from within – from how YOU define it, not how others perceive you to be, ok? Go tell that guy to fly a kite because you deserve someone better than him, someone who can devote his entire heart to you and not have to share it with Nth number of girls.
6. Your relationship can’t see the light of day.
He probably deletes every message / whatsapp after you send them incase his gf sees it. He probably dates you to neighborhood coffee shops where no one will see the both of you hanging out. You want to go out to Orchard to shop and watch a movie, visit Gardens by the Bay but he is probably too cowardly and scared that people might recognize him with you and find out about his cheating. A healthy relationship is one where there is no hiding, you don’t have to nor should you be afraid of people seeing you two together. If the guy is afraid to bring you out to crowded places – with the exception that he is some super hot star – do yourself a favour, drop him like a hotcake, please.
7. You won’t be his one devotion.
You already know he has a gf/wife and chances are, you are second place. I hope you won’t fall for the “I am with her but my heart is with you”. Thank God no one ever used that on me, but I took that from watching too many dramas – dramas are inspired from reality after all. Imagine every Valentines, Christmas & New Year’s – you are receiving the second phone call / text / hug. Go ahead and sob, I see tears welling in your eyes.
8. You will cheapen yourself.
Humans will only treasure what they fought hard to get. When you fall into the third party place, the guy is unlikely to treat you like a hard earned precious pearl since he ain’t going to give you the full treatment that’s reserved for his main gf/wife – wedding banquet and all. Imagine that, just imagine that.
9. If he meant to break up with his gf/wife, he would have done so already.
If he claims that he will break up when “the time is right”, please don’t be so naive. He will not break up. He is leading you on and you will be the fool if you follow him.
What should you do?
1. Tell him to stop contacting you or stop flirting with you because you respect him, his gf / wife.
2. Move on in life – surround yourself with trustworthy friends of both sexes who will introduce you friends who are trustworthy too.
3. Don’t feel guilty about his lecherous feelings for you.
4. Send him this post and just in case he still doesn’t get the message, say it in Iggy freestyle: “F is for friends and stuff and U is for you and me” – I realize this tho is funny and irreverent, it can be quite misleading. So you can quote me: “I am not a hard disk – I am not your back up. You can go to Challenger to find yourself one if you’re so keen.” 😉
5. Just be direct and ask “Are you single or attached?” before you agree to go on dates in future. If he says attached and still asking you out – tell him to bring his gf/wife along and basically don’t waste your time on him any longer.