Before you read on, I want to add this caveat: This is one of those post under “emo” and to be taken with a pinch of salt in terms of what’s going on in my brain. It’s a result of being sick, tired and insomnia.

It’s 3.55am and I can’t sleep. I watched Monga with my sister earlier. It’s a show about brotherhood and friendship in Taiwan gang triads in the 70s. It doesn’t have much link with what I’m going to post, but just so you know.

School’s so far so good. Although a far share of drama already happened/happening from friends/classmates. Classes are interesting and relevant, classmates and tutors are friendly and to a certain level, engaging. So school’s pretty much all a student can ask for.

Being down with cough and flu this week really makes me and the week dull. It really sucks to be sick. And being sick really makes me lethargic all the time from the time I sleep to the time I wake (and mostly experiencing a “rude awakening” cause already late for meeting friend for lunch before school) hahaha. Last week was really much better in terms of waking earlier to prepare for school etc.

A lot of things I need to be reflecting on but I don’t know how and don’t know reflect to what end and even if I can do anything about it after I reflect so I basically just didn’t reflect. Hahaha. Although I know I should just do it nonetheless, don’t worry too much and just trust God that He’ll work all things out and not rely on my own wisdom or strength to carry through things etc. But it’s still difficult.

Amy says she couldn’t understand why I always cry saying I feel alone when I am not and so I explained to her when we met on Monday morning and I cried all over again after like what, a month? I tried really hard not to but I still did because I just couldn’t hold it in.

Now reflecting upon that, isn’t it
true? At the end of the day, unless you’re married and even if you’re married, you’re still alone. Only you are accountable for your own actions, for your own spiritual life and the steps you need to take, the tasks you need to complete. I guess I’ve just been waiting and hoping for things to happen(?) but life doesn’t happen that way.

Although I may add, maybe things aren’t supposed to happen this way but it did, and God allowed it to happen. And that I am not painting a pretty picture of myself because I see a realistic view of myself and that’s flawed. And I know it.

So well getting to the whole point of this post as well as the end of it is that I desire for excellence, to be excellent in everything I do but it’s so hard.