The Elusive Balance

I think this post will be a deep one.. I feel it… So this is a cute picture of me and my toys to belie the cheamness of this post.  HAHAHA as if I need a reason to post a cute picture of myself on my blog… ^^ – more cute emoticons /( ‘ . ‘) i’m quite good at this huh!

So when I was reflecting I initially thought that what I learnt was to be less in control. That all along I’ve been too in control and when things don’t go according to plan I get crushed. But that’s not the case. The case in point (tee hee so lawyerly must be influenced from reading Jie jie’s notes) is that I don’t know how to strike that elusive balance in a christian life. Being in love with God and yet also loving the world. Mission imPOSSIBLE. yeah right. (Sorry can’t help but be sarcastic at this pt in time)

So i’ve been meaning to write a poem on how my coping mechanism’s been. It’s more like reblog, I think I wrote that poem some time back and it’s shelved in the annals in one of my now defunct blogs.  But I will spare you the cheesy poem (alright I know you guys do love my poems right? right? :P) The poem talks about a clam. Need no explanation. HAHAHA. Ya so natural mechanism, people. When hurt, I just clam up and keep things to myself… Avoid people… Don’t let people in so I don’t get hurt, simple!

I’ve been literally crying every week for 2 months (maybe even longer now) and I avoid talking about it so I don’t cry. It’s getting to a point I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And sick of being so damn weak. But it’s ironic, I don’t want to be strong.

So yes I’ve kinda drifted away from topic but you’ll see it all links up. The thing is, it’s so difficult to strike that balance. When I think I got it, but I didnt, and since I didn’t, why did I bother? GOSH I know it’s stupid, but I gave up trying. But you know what, God never lets his stupid kids go. Teehee. Thank you God for loving me. ^^

So the song, the song, old song, I heard today. “Heart of Worship” rings true.

I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
All about You, Jesus
I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You
It’s all about You Jesus

At the end of the day, I need to realise and accept that it’s not going to be about me. Typed some really super cheesy lines but decided to delete them instead, I’m shy. Hahahaha.

So yes. I am still learning. Being 20 is amazing, no longer a teen, not yet an adult. Lost in between. The world of teenage lust and desires being held back (maybe not sometimes) by a growing rationalism. I disapprove of how I’ve been. It was me totally trying (LOL) to be rebellious and kick my shoes in the air and shout “I don’t care, eh eh eh eh eh” to the tune of korean pop girl-band 2NE1’s hit.

I’m still trying to complete Phillip Pullman’s “His Dark Materials”. Yes, he’s an atheist and his work is supposedly anti-christ but I read for leisure like I did with J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series and Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series. Gosh, there’s obviously an appeal with the occult huh? Hahaha. I really do recommend Pullman’s work. It’s really a literary work of art. The worlds, the characters, the words are beautifully crafted. What I love most is in a particular more medieval like world which the heroine, a young girl Lyra comes from, his creation of “daemon” a little spirit animal that follows the people upon birth. Before the child matures to an adult, the daemon constantly evolves and changes, it could be as timid as a mouse, or loyal as a dog or bold as an eagle. But when the child reaches maturity then his daemon no longer changes but is fixed at the child’s most defining character so to speak. So a guardman’s daemon is a dog and a crafty woman’s daemon’s a monkey.

And often while reading I feel so much admiration for Pullman’s keen observation of mankind and due to how much I relate to it. It’s exactly frustrating for me cause right now, I’m experiencing so much changes, if humans had daemon, mine would be distorted, contorted right now. And I know, this is a phase, one day which again, I think will be soon, 1-3 years time, my character and personality will (I hope, fingers crossed) be more stable and I won’t feel so vexed like I am and at lost. And while I am at it, I really really want to make sure I give in my best effort to be the best I can be, before I get stuck into the personality/character for my adulthood.

Hahaha it’s really been a long post huh! Alright time to sleep, ciaos!  😉 Hope you enjoyed the long read. Heehee.

Good Day ^^

Had an eventful and fun day!  Ok by now it’s yesterday, but ohh whatever~ 😛

Thank God, got into the specialism of my choice, Fashion Management. Was discussing with Beatrice, my classmate that seems like most people get into their choice of course, with interview or not. The great news for us management students is that we didn’t need interview unlike all the other course – design, textile & comm! ^^ Woohoooooo I sorta didn’t want an interview cause it’s you know, so unnecessary… hehehe… Anyway can you tell I’m in a good mood and I’m more verbose so let me go on. Circe (our fashion course head, who also lectures/heads fashion management) was saying how this year’s FM students makes the “dream team”, with impressive grades to boot… woohoo… I’m praying we’ll all make an awesomest class of students!!! *claps hand close eyes bows head

thennn in cheeryyy mood I bought my new wallet and new diary for new year 2011 (yes v early but I have 20% member’s discount from kikki. k. :D) this is so lame but girls get v excited over things they buy, ok.

and met up with friends for dinnerrr movieeee and sushii during movie omgosh love. anyways im now on a lookout for people to hang with while im free but most if not all my lovely girlies are mad busy studying… yingling.. ming.. my sis… it’s not funny… so i hang with martin.. ian.. joshua.. dafril… mostly the boys that ORD! hahaha congrats man guys so happy for you all new found freedom. I am rambling ok. I think they don’t even read my blog. haha. ok byes!

Everyone knows who they are

Marquez looked troubled. “I’m not always sure. Yeah, I know who I am, like you said, but everyone knows who they are.”

“No, they don’t.” Summer said. “Lots of times I don’t. Lots of times I’m like a cloud changing shapes with the wind. It’s like people look at me and some think I look like a rabbit or a squirrel. and others think, no, that cloud looks like a map of Australia.”

– Extract from Beach Blonds by Katherine Applegate.

Crazy Ride

So I said I will update about the 4 months in Lasalle fashion foundation.

I am so tempted to tell all the stories that concerns this one bad person. But I will not. It’s way to bitchy for me to do that, and I don’t want to stoop to that level. I want to move on. Far far away from that person and forever more. Don’t ever want to be involved in that person’s life. Thank God I am not going to fashion design.

In this 4 months, I’ve made friends and found out that friends lie and betray me because of some misunderstandings they don’t resolve with me, despite all the times I’ve helped them with their schoolwork. In fact one misunderstanding occurred because I helped.

I found out that friend will hurt friends to further their own agendas and more despicably, use other to ruin others. And one willingly does so, while ostracizing people who kindly discourage them to do so. *Amazed* That one person is in absolute denial…

But I thank God, through it all, I may have been burned, but not killed. And I have found REAL friends that will tell me the damn truth instead of lying to me. And friends who CARE for me and will HELP me. 😀 😀 😀

God will be my avenger although I am obviously not gonna seek revenge or wish ill upon evil people. But the way they choose to lead their lives, they will do so to their ruin. Or more mean and evil people will ruin them, not kidding.

I HAVE become stronger and wiser. I am definitely much more freaking aware of what things are happening and definitely not going to be busybody and be involved in any drama whatsoever againnnnn. YAY!!!

Of course, through this all, I know people are not perfect, we are flawed and we make mistakes BUT innocent mistakes are NOT THE SAME with schemes. Or manipulation or intentional sowing of discord and ruining people’s life. Eyes can tell and humans can discern. Such people should be cautioned, you’ll be burned.

I am definitely amazed and amused that some people live such sad lives of toying with other people’ lives, who gain such thrill out dirty ploys. They should… get a life. And my parents are wise, they tell me to do nothing with such people with them except to pray for them.

Drama aside, everyone else in my class have been nothing short of lovely. 😉 I am happy and proud to be a class rep of such an outstanding class!

Lastly, the truth will be revealed… I have no need to explain myself. Those who need lies to cover themselves or choose to avoid people will need to do so their whole lives.

Last Leg

It’s the last leg of race to the finish!

Last presentation for Fashion Management tmr! I pray everything will go smoothly.

When it’s over, I will find time to sit down and review my life in Lasalle for the past 4 months in Fashion foundation. It’s been a wild ride, one beyond my imagination and what I thought I signed up for. I’ve been warned, but I never knew so many things would happen. And how unprepared I was.

So there, a little teaser for the next post.

Meanwhile I will be away doing my ppt slides!

Ciao!

Btw I sooooo want to go for a holiday…. somewhere with a beach… or a lot of malls… to play and shop.

I want to shop for new stuff. Hahaha.

The Bird in the Rain

The bird in the rain
Is trudging along
Her wings laden with rain-drops
Heavy from the journey’s flight

Against the beating rain
The strong winds
The bird in its flight

Weary, exhausted
Her wings torn and tattered
From the bushes’ thorns

The bird falters

and falls

With broken wings, she tries to fly again
Wavering, uncertain in the midst of gloomy skies

The bird in the rain
Yearns to return home to a green nest
For her broken wings to be restored.

In Bits & Pieces

Pieces e –

v

r

e                                                y

w

h

e                               r

e.

Anyhoo, stayed overnight in school to complete textile printing. It was fun with the mates! Think we’ll be doing this a lot in the next few days.

I am totally paying back all the sleep-full nights I had for last month’s weekend. I will need to forgo sleep for the next 1 week. Haha. Well, too many things happening in the last 1-2 months and it has resulting in this, no point crying for spilt milk, just move on, just do it! 🙂

Had the worst nightmare ever about Sophie, Serene and Caleb, thank God it’s not for real. I always dream about Serene, seriously! Haha.

A Short Break

In the midst of working on my Management Report, yes, 5am in the morning. Haha. Taking a short break now, with a cup of milo, one of my favourite comfort drink! ^^

I just wanted to come and post that I am so thankful for Sharinces, YangFei and Desmond in my class. I have not  been feeling well since last weekend and I feel the care and concern from them especially! ^^ I really enjoyed dinner with them.

I have not posted this before, but one of the things that have been affecting me is how scary the world, some people in this world can be. I know humans are flawed, nobody’s perfect but being brought up in a sheltered, christian community has really really shielded me from the harsh reality of life so much so that when the truth surfaces, I am shattered. I am currently recovering from the shock of this revelation. I realize how really naive and innocent I am, I really do see the world in rose-tinted glass. Maybe I don’t anymore, maybe I will. But a truth that I am reminding myself, continually, is that no matter how flawed humans are, God remains the same, He never changes!

The stars will not align

I look at the skies for direction. A bright shining star captures my attention, even though I know it is not the one that will lead me to my destination. The star that will lead me there is shrouded, not by any darks clouds or the crown of a roadside tree, but by my own tinted eyes. I perceive the other stars shining brighter, better, even though deep inside, I know it is not the case. The stars are diametrically opposed. Not that they refuse to align. They will not, no one’s will can do so. Eventually, I will find my way, amidst the questions and the doubts. I refuse to let myself follow what is wrong. But the deviant in me craves for the thrill of it. To enjoy the journey, even if it means living in the shadows of the star.